Speaking of hope for the future, the last couple of days were rough for me personally. I had a diabetic doctor appointment this last Thursday, and I did not hear what I wanted to hear. Probably the only good things I heard in this appointment were that my blood pressure was good and my blood work was normal. All of that was overshadowed by the fact that my A1C went up a full percentage point from where it was three months ago. For those of you who are not familiar with diabetic jargon, learn about A1C by clicking on the link. This is very upsetting to me (I cried in front of my FNP) for a few reasons. First there is not a chance in Hades' underworld that my healthcare professionals will let me become pregnant with numbers such as these. I have to be below a 7. Two, I started exercising again awhile ago and it hasn't seemed to do a bit of good. Three, it takes forever to get A1c levels back to normal. It took me around two plus years for it to drop 4/10s of a point, and that was when my metabolism was normal and young. Personal hell.
Now I have always believed in miracles. I have always believed in angels (including guardian angels), and I have always believed that God is always there even during what seems like devil himself is climbing out of his hole and rearing his head. You just have to look and find God for He is there somewhere. I have always found comfort and solace in the scripture found in John 14:18 (KJV) "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." For the last couple of days however, I did not remember that scripture. Today, in church, as we sang the familiar hymn "Be Thou Humble" I was reminded. The lyrics:
Be thou humble in thy weakness, and the Lord thy God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand and give thee answer to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in thy pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares. [...]
Be thou humble in thy longing, and the Lord thy God shall take thee,
Shall take thee home at last to ever dwell with him above.
When singing this song, I was reminded that God loves, cares, and understands. Jesus Christ understands. This is what part of the Atonement is all about. We are not alone in our life-long struggles. God knows the desires of our hearts. One of mine is to have a family. One way or another Hubs and I will have a family. Right now that journey seems so long, but I am happy and comforted to know I won't be taking the journey alone. This brings me peace even though I don't understand the obstacles. I need a miracle. To end this post I will post a poem written by yours truly way back in community college. It is somewhat fitting to the topic. I was actually talking with a friend not too long ago about this poem and told her I would share it with her. If you are reading this, friend, I hope you enjoy.
The Dove
Is there peace in chaos?
I believe there is.
You must, however, have patience
to find it. For just a moment stop
in your crazy world and
focus.
Dive straight into Hell
where order and confusion clash.
Take all the strength you possess
with persistence and effort
to overcome blind sightedness.
Fight the war between good and evil.
Ram your already bruised body against
the cage you call reality.
Search for the peace,
there is hope.
Hell is only the surface,
for deep within your soul
lives the dove.
